Welcome to College Freshmen is excited to announce the hiring of another writer to our team of all college students. A student at Hofstra University, he will be our humor writer and will be contributing a couple times a week.
Friends are like backseat drivers. They can have a great influence on where you go down the road, but if you stick with them for too long, they get annoying as shit trying to tell you where to go, how to go there and where to stop for a bathroom break because of the 7 2-liter bottles of Mountain Dew they chugged right before they got into the damn car. You told them not to do it, but they went and did it anyway. Assholes. It’s at that point where you realize that you’re done with the majority of the friends that you have made in your hometown. The metaphorical gas tank is full and you don’t want them directing you where to go anymore. No, that’s the job for your friends at college. If you have the social capacity to make new friends. If you don’t, then just stop reading this article.
Everybody has good friends. Everybody has bad friends. And if you can’t distinguish your good friends from your bad friends, then you have no friends and you should also stop reading this article now.
Let’s start off with the friends you want to keep through college from your snug home town. These are the people who you can go to for anything. Be it for advice, venting, or maybe even an awkward hook up from time to time. The point is: you rely on these friends to get by. You would emotionally break the hell down if they were not around to pick you back up or give you the occasional punch to the stomach once in a while. The formal titles of these friends could include: Best friend, semi-best friend, friend-with-benefits, you-kind-of-like-them-but-they-have-a-significant-other-in-their-life-already-but-you-still-go-for-them-anyway-friend.
If your type of friend was not listed in the obviously extensive list above, just ask yourself these questions:
1) Are they real?
2) Are they living?
3) If the answer to 1 or 2 is “yes”, are they your parents?
4) If the answer to 1, 2 or 3 is “yes”, you did not heed my prior warnings to stop reading this article, so you need to stop right now. I’m serious.
5) If the answer to 1 or 2 is “yes” and the answer to 3 is “no”, do you enjoy their personal company in small daily doses?
6) If the answer to 1 or 2 is “yes” and the answer to 3 is “no” and the answer to 5 is “yes” then you have entirely too much time on your hands and you have a legit friend.
7) Congratulations. You aren’t socially inept.
Now if you haven’t stopped reading yet, we’ll go over the bad friends. These are the types of friends that you should leave when you go off to school. You don’t need them anymore and their time in your metaphorical car has come to an end. Symptoms of a “terrible friend” may include (but are not limited to) verbal abuse that was taken as a joke at the time but really wasn’t funny and you secretly thought they were a dick for it on the inside, frequent currency loaning (without being reimbursed), frequent boasting about a supposed hook-up or use of illicit drug paraphernalia, nausea or frequent boasting about being employed. That last one really isn’t a big deal, I’m just bitter about not having a job.
(Photos by FJ Gaylor Photography under Creative Commons Attribution Generic 2.0)